audacity

in addition to an aptitude for sitting and coughing, i quickly learned that gosling possesses a certain flair for theft. one evening after mixing a usually delicious dark and stormy, i discovered that rather than containing rum, my bottle of goslings was actually full of water tinted with food coloring. when i confronted him about this, he professed innocence and suggested that I complain to the manufacturer via sharply worded letter. i stood transfixed, marveling at the audacity of his suggestion. but, being a practical man, i recognize when i have been outmaneuvered.

i retreated.

the next day, seemingly abashed, he admitted that he had consumed the rum (apparently all at once and despite his liver disorder), and promised that nothing else would go missing. but soon, as with sandra's son, large quantities of food began to disappear. this round of disappearances, however, was marked by the apparent randomness of gosling's selections. one day, i came home to find all of my cinnamon missing. the next day i was down a pound of swiss cheese and a jar of pickles. each time i confronted him and each time he apologized with a great deal of sincerity, promising to restore my items and to refrain from absconding with them in the future. unfortunately, goslings' resolve is more akin to balsa than steel, so inevitably another thing goes missing shortly after each assurance.

I am thinking about dissolving ipecac into my next handle.